realizations

I've been tossing and turning on this topic for quite some time now

really tossing and turning

because I don't usually "go there" on certain issues

we all have some things that are just too personal to share

{most of the time}

granted...I feel like I get real sometimes, right?

I probably haven't in awhile

I finally feel "as if"

I'm supposed to share this whether I like it or not

for it's not always up to me

{as much as it's my comfort zone when it is up to me}

I think I have finally processed how to share a few thoughts jumbled in my mind

and I cannot seem to rid of them during my runs

like I typically can

a wonderful person in my upline shared this video with me

that pretty much

tied me in knots

twisted my thinking up
held me there

then untied and unraveled me

rearranged my thoughts

and finally did a sort of
"put me back together" again

 the video applied so much to my life right now

it is very hard to admit that

 my hopes of

"going there" with you in this post

is not out of lecture or "I know all" place

it's because

just maybe

what if someone else needs to hear it too

to be honest

I've fought with myself on this post
I didn't want to share this or write about it

I feel right now is a very happy and confident time for me personally

with my business...friendships

just a happy place

at the same time

I have a few things that are weighing on my shoulders

that I wish it wasn't so

but that's life, you know

I guess my point is that

other than a few things
I'm doing great

but I am dealing with some lows
that are bringing me down
  a few things that are just preventing me from really

"blooming"

what works for me

always has been either writing or talking it out

and since I'm writing it out

that is what you'll are stuck with

and to think I had such fun and vibrant pictures of valentine cookies to share

from a wonderful, wonderful girls night

geez...
sorry for perhaps bringing the mood down

heck I've probably hyped this up to be more
but first is first
my inspiration words for this year
talked about here

love and embrace

three days after those words were pressed upon my heart
my Grandpa ended up in the hospital for emergency surgery
and then a couple of weeks of living at the hospital
for him
but also all of our family too

then he was back to surgery while I was gone at my conference
and a month and a few days later
things are really "still tough"

you see
I've always had a very strong relationship with my Grandpa
he was the most important male figure in my life besides my dad growing up
he ended up living down the street
and if I didn't seem him 6 days a week
it was at least 4-5

to me...
he is the heart and soul of our family
and over the past several years
Alzheimers has set in
and since this last surgery
it's hit or miss whether he remembers the girls and I when we visit

so the video I watched really struck a few cords with me

I always assumed he would be "grandpa" like he always was to me
I was thinking

"what if this...."
"what if that..."

that is not a good place to be at

and from watching video by Craig I learned

that fear is placing your faith in the "what ifs"

scary sort of thing
as these past 8+ months I've also had some health issues that I cannot get figured out
and it prevents me from increasing my running mileage because it gets really, really aggravated
when I try to do more

that may seem so trivial
 whether I run or not
or can go past so and so amount of miles

but running is my "thing"
and without my "thing"

I'm not sane
{chuckle}

I'm not going into details about my health issues
as I haven't really shared with anyone but my parents
and a few other friends/family members have found out "some" in conversation

so with some of the stressors I have right now

I've been living in the "what ifs"
with a few things in life

"what if this...."

"what if that?"

"what if my health issues are going to affect or are related to my reproductive/fertility issues
I've had in the past"

and

"I'm the same age about as my mom when she lost her ability to have more
what if it is my time too"

for awhile I just didn't know but recently found out that it has nothing to do with my past fertility issues

and back to

"what if this or that happens with Grandpa?"
or
"what if Grandpa sees me as
 a young girl visiting him"
 that he may not recognize again

 I feel it is one of the best times of my life right now
funny how that is

so I'm trying only to think of the good
because there is quite a bit of good

but the honest truth
it makes me feel guilty sometimes
that things are really good
like I don't deserve it to be that way

how twisted is that?

then I feel guilty about the tough things going on
and not addressing them

I see right in front of me all that is good
and I feel it is hard to complain 
 because my health issues are not life-threatening
and my Grandpa is still here with us
doing his best

but when I watched the video
{a sermon by Craig Groeschel from Life Church}
and he said

"fear is placing your faith in the what ifs"

I felt as though a

"told ya so"

was happening

because that is what I have been doing
ugh...

but in the video Craig also said

"what you fear is also what you value the most"

umm...hello

that names the stressors I do have in my life right now
every.single.one.of.them.is.what.I.value.the.most

the thing is
when all that happened with my Grandpa

I was very upset about my inspiration words for 2011
as in my original post I talked about them kind of scaring me this year

and then I was upset
because I didn't want those words to be true
I didn't want to embrace that my Grandpa may never be the same
I knew I needed to love on him
that was the easy part
but there was no way I was going to embrace it...

or accept it...
or "whatever" it

but you know what?

 I have to

I have to start acknowledging this
and begin moving forward

that is what I'm called to do

believe me...I don't talk about my faith and my relationship with God on this blog
because I never want to sound like I'm preaching or "I know it all"

but I want you to know
this is all coming from a "place of good intentions" from me

 me sharing this
is because
I cannot get it out of my mind
and because
"what if sharing this video helps someone else"
that would be worth going "there" to me

the part where I felt twisted up and knotted from the video
is realizing that when he said

"what you fear is where you trust God the least"

I'll say it again
because I had to watch it again personally

"what you fear is where you trust God the least"

 that put me in my place
very, very quickly

because I wasn't trusting God with my Grandpa
I wanted him better
right now

I also wasn't trusting God with other things like whatever is going on with my health issues
funny what has helped the most with them
is things I can get from my business 
it was.right.in.front.of.my.face

 all of those issues have been weighing me down at a very, very good time in my life

I couldn't be more thankful for my family, business successes,
wonderful, wonderful friendships
ones that build you up
make you laugh
but also let "you be you"
ones that also "call you out" nicely when needs be
and then love on you all over again

I've finally found those friends again

 back in October of last year I shared with a close friend of mine some personal stressors
during a conversation
and she said to me

"Martha...what is the worst that can happen?
"this..._______"

she then said
"you can't carry that by yourself"

and she continued to fill in the blank for me
and I said you know what....

"you are right"

Just as Craig said in his sermon

"Even if my worst 'what if' comes to be…there is nothing man can do to hurt me if I’m ultimately trusting God with my whole life"

and you know what...
these past several weeks

I've been upset about my Grandpa
but I've also been going there very happy to see him
 even if he doesn't remember every single time
I'm just so happy to see him

and when I just gave my health issues to Him
I've realized I'm beginning to heal

I'm excited to say this is the first week that whatever is going on with my health
is starting to get somewhat better
and I have to know it will continue to do so


for when it continues to get better
this week
the week after

I can start increasing my mileage again

because I've been stuck physically

but mentally I've been ready to go further for quite some time

so I'm ready to make a better effort of putting my fears

away..and moving forward

one foot in front of the other

I know this may be out of left field me talking about my faith

because I just usually don't

 but I felt I should share this

my hope is that

whatever you fear...that you trust in Him

because it is what you value the most

but also what you are not trusting Him with

my inspiration words this year

love and embrace

 have taken a new meaning these past two weeks

when I was given those words

I thought

"that is what I should be offering to everyone else"

you know...

the thought of 

"how I should be taking care of everyone else around me"

never did I consider

"myself"

and this week He placed on my heart

that

loving and embracing

are not meant just for others

but for me as well

and that is not selfish

to put "you" first sometimes

too often I have put Me on the sidelines

{every woman/mother can probably agree}

but this year

I know I'm being told

"you are off the sidelines"

I'm very thankful for this video being sent to me

as sometimes

friends know just the thing to share with you

much love to you all

and thank you for staying with me on this very long writing

I hope it has helped someone else

xo

"I sought the Lord

He delivered me from all my fears"

Psalm 34:4

btw....the pictures are my Valentine cookies I brought to my girls night

it was a very fun night

too bad I was writing about "fear" with these pictures

to see the video click {here}