September 19, 2010

feel

on Thursday evening I was asked the question...

"who are you?"


answering to myself...
as we were in relaxation


As I thought
I found it was easy to rattle off descriptions
or even tasks
jobs
or titles
that I perform
or am
in my daily life

so when our instructor first asked the question

the list naturally began in my mind....

wife
mother
consultant for work
God lover
runner
beach lover
type A personality
dreamer
cook
baker
discipliner
dog lover
wine "enjoyer"
house cleaner
flower lover
scheduler
worrier
planner
vintage lover
 number 13 fan
summer girl
 indecisive at times
fan of white
and light, sea blues
 fan of dresses
ruffles
but very much a jeans girl at heart

I'm also
a woman
which took me a long time to accept due to fertility issues
but now 5 years strong of knowing it...
I know that I am
with or without children

yes...really just a list...
because I make lists


but shortly thereafter
we were then asked to...

feel who we were

feel it

not think it

I began to feel
my life
not thinking about all the things I do
{or don't do for that matter}

I was feeling my compassion and kindness
warmth
and strength about myself

I was feeling time well spent
with my family
even doing the day to day routine things
but very vividly about simple things

what we were all wearing
what the sun and wind felt like
what it felt like as a mother seeing little hands play in the dirt


or little feet running up and down this side road


enjoying the sight of flowers in our yard
worrying not about some stressors we have right now
but only about enough daylight hours to spend with my family

I was feeling how wonderful it feels
to look around my home
and see my favorite vintage things
with subtle number 13 reminders around me
and enjoying a glass of wine or two

I was feeling myself on a nice long run
feeling my surroundings not just noticing what they were
but taking it all in
whether running right here in my neighborhood


or remembering the fond memory of Bobby and I running oceanside 6 years ago
where we saw dolphins
and how wonderful it felt to see that
together


yes this dark haired beauty is my personal favorite in our neighborhood
a very happy feeling I got
when the girls were pretty close to her
 enjoying the moment...as is...
and seeing them trying to get her attention by calling
"horsy....oh horsy..."


I was feeling His prescence all around me
everything else subsided for the moment

yes...
I wasn't thinking
but accepting

I have always been one to shove my feelings away
for whatever reason
even very fond memories or feelings I have had in the past
I feel disappointed I have forgotten or filed away some of the ones from long ago
because I became so task orientated
forgetting to really feel along the way

through things
I would pull away
 bury them
close the door
and set down the key

so I have felt challenged lately in our class
it's odd because I didn't know this would happen
but each time He is providing exactly what I need through our instructor

to not only be still
but to feel
and appreciate what I feel

and to not file away any of my feelings
but have them as constant reminders
the special keys to my heart
because it makes me me

this is why I've been focusing on not having a schedule lately
for things I really don't have to have one for
especially with my family

because even though I love my routine and completed tasks
I'm really much more of a dreamer
and I want my family and friends to feel that from me more than the other
 that's the real me
the part of me that the close ones really know
but the part that most haven't seen
I love to feel and I love to dream
and just in case you wanted to know
the horses belong to a home that was here before our subdivision
we always love to watch them
I have a bit of a crush on horses...
I always have, and I'm not sure why
other than the fact that my dad had them growing up
maybe
and they make me smile

6 comments:

Mrs. Dunbar said...

It's always interesting trying to define ourself. Making a list is a good starting point and then just letting all of the other things go is another. Glad your finding your peace in Him.

Tish said...

doesn't it feel good when we honor how it feels to take the time to find out who we really are?

:) i think you're a lovely lady martha!

blondiensc said...

It is always something else to think about who you are, really deep down inside,not how others perceive you...but who you are. And to feel that, to not be too busy or sidetracked to really take it all in, is profoundly positive, this class sounds amazing!

Jetta... said...

Wow. I needed that today. Your post took my breath away. Thank you as always...

Shannon said...

It is so uncomfortable being asked to look at yourself and define who you really are but once you really take the time to figure it all out I think it gives us a much needed boost and makes us so much more secure with who are and helps push us further to who we want to become :)

LuLu & Co. said...

WOW i love this post.... i'm not taking your class but it feels like i am at home... the last few weeks I've stepped back to "feel" life around me... to feel the silence now that all my kiddos are in school.... to be Me without a title.
Thank you for sharing this :)
wishing you a wonderful day,
xo,
LuLu