feel

on Thursday evening I was asked the question...

"who are you?"

answering to myself...
as we were in relaxation

As I thought

I found it was easy to rattle off descriptions

or even tasks
jobs
or titles

that I perform
or am
in my daily life

so when our instructor first asked the question

the list naturally began in my mind....

wife

mother

consultant for work

God lover

runner

beach lover

type A personality

dreamer

cook

baker

discipliner

dog lover

wine "enjoyer"

house cleaner

flower lover

scheduler

worrier

planner

vintage lover

 number 13 fan

summer girl

 indecisive at times

fan of white

and light, sea blues

 fan of dresses

ruffles

but very much a jeans girl at heart

I'm also

a woman

which took me a long time to accept due to fertility issues

but now 5 years strong of knowing it...

I know that I am
with or without children

yes...really just a list...

because I make lists

but shortly thereafter

we were then asked to...

feel who we were

feel it

not think it

I began to feel

my life

not thinking about all the things I do

{or don't do for that matter}

I was feeling my compassion and kindness
warmth
and strength about myself

I was feeling time well spent

with my family

even doing the day to day routine things

but very vividly about simple things

what we were all wearing

what the sun and wind felt like

what it felt like as a mother seeing little hands play in the dirt

or little feet running up and down this side road

enjoying the sight of flowers in our yard

worrying not about some stressors we have right now

but only about enough daylight hours to spend with my family

I was feeling how wonderful it feels

to look around my home

and see my favorite vintage things

with subtle number 13 reminders around me

and enjoying a glass of wine or two

I was feeling myself on a nice long run

feeling my surroundings not just noticing what they were

but taking it all in

whether running right here in my neighborhood

or remembering the fond memory of Bobby and I running oceanside 6 years ago

where we saw dolphins

and how wonderful it felt to see that

together

yes this dark haired beauty is my personal favorite in our neighborhood

a very happy feeling I got
when the girls were pretty close to her

 enjoying the moment...as is...

and seeing them trying to get her attention by calling

"horsy....oh horsy..."

I was feeling His prescence all around me

everything else subsided for the moment

yes...

I wasn't thinking

but accepting

I have always been one to shove my feelings away

for whatever reason

even very fond memories or feelings I have had in the past

I feel disappointed I have forgotten or filed away some of the ones from long ago

because I became so task orientated

forgetting to really feel along the way

through things

I would pull away

 bury them

close the door

and set down the key

so I have felt challenged lately in our class

it's odd because I didn't know this would happen

but each time He is providing exactly what I need through our instructor

to not only be still

but to feel

and appreciate what I feel

and to not file away any of my feelings

but have them as constant reminders

the special keys to my heart

because it makes me me

this is why I've been focusing on not having a schedule lately

for things I really don't have to have one for

especially with my family

because even though I love my routine and completed tasks

I'm really much more of a dreamer

and I want my family and friends to feel that from me more than the other

 that's the real me

the part of me that the close ones really know

but the part that most haven't seen

I love to feel and I love to dream

and just in case you wanted to know

the horses belong to a home that was here before our subdivision

we always love to watch them

I have a bit of a crush on horses...
I always have, and I'm not sure why

other than the fact that my dad had them growing up
maybe

and they make me smile