April 15, 2010

talked about

and what we don't talk about...

I'll be honest...this isn't something I wanted to share, but I learned so much this week from something that has happened that I thought maybe I should just write about it to conclude it...

I went through a process this week
you'll even notice my new opening song on my blog...it has everything to do with the process I went through to heal from this.

last 6 days or so were difficult...however, I was so thankful I had Madison's 1st friend birthday celebration to take my mind away from it for a day

You see I checked my phone messages over the weekend and someone unintentionally called me as I must have been the last person they called...

the message I got...was an entire conversation about me...I'm not sure how long it actually was but I got about a 20 minute conversation on my message solely about me...

someone who just wanted to complain about me...I was talked about in not a great way...I was laughed at on my message by both in the conversation...and something really personal was shared about me that was never supposed to be.

You see a situation I entrusted with someone where I had a difficult time was shared with someone without my permission...and the mere fact that it was laughed about and used in a way to hurt me was nothing but plain mean and rude in my opinion.

I was told the situation was used to prove a point to help the other person and that I was going to be told it was talked about...but they shared way too many details without my permission or being there to prove a point...and it is 6 days later and I still haven't been told what point was trying to be proven...

six days later and that person has turned this situation around to make it my fault when I never asked their phone to call me, my phone to record it, me being talked about in a negative way behind my back, and laughed at...and hearing the conversation as it was recorded was just odd to me...

it just made me wonder...what else have they broken my trust about...what other mean things are being done behind my back.

I went inward this week in a sadness...then pain...then some anger...and yesterday I finally felt free from this sadness and anger...that person promised to not talk about this ever without me or to anyone for that matter...not because it was something so horrible or that I'm embarrassed because it is something that is "normal" ...or maybe not "normal"
but because it was just personal to us...
some things are just supposed to be kept personal, right?
did I have the best first reaction? Absolutely not...

just like we all don't share everything on the blog...we have to respect others

but finally!!! I was free from this hurt...I had to go inward and focus on taking care of my family, focus on work, and pray so much through my hurtful tears to get me through this week.

I was driving yesterday and praying so hard to please take this hurt, sadness, and feelings of betrayal from me because the weight on my shoulders was becoming too heavy and consuming me...

then this song from Kris Allen came on the radio..."live like we are dying". I have been waiting to put this song on my blog...

but this song I felt like was part of His answer to me yesterday...
I felt embraced, hugged, and loved
my intepretation of the song yesterday may not be actually the meaning it was written

that is the beauty of music to me...
sometimes the words register in a way that they move and change you


"sometimes we fall down...can't get back up"
well I do fall down...but I always get back up
sometimes it just takes a few days and maybe some crying you know

"hiding behind skin that is too tough"
I can get through things but my skin is not always tough
it may seem that way to others but truly I get hurt

"our hearts are hungry from a food that won't come"
I'll be honest...I wanted an apology and the person to take responsibility

"if your life flashed before you what would you wish you would have done?"

that phrase is where I felt changed
I felt love from Him
I knew I did not want what happen allow me to trip anymore in my steps of life
I am a person who knows who I am and what I stand for
I'll say that again...
I know who I am and what kind of person I am
I know that people can trust me
I may mess up as a person in life and continue to make mistakes but I know that I will take responsibility for it
I *wish* for a life that I can trust people no matter what 
I am a person who likes to trust but it also is the thing I am most scared to do too.

It may have taken me several days to get the giddy back in my step
but you know what
I did get that giddy back in my step
I had a process I had to go through...
sadness
crying
anger
more crying
prayer
and relief to know I made it past this
I may have my breakdown moments in situations
but it wasn't life or death
I simply felt..gosh darn hurt by someone

"I can turn it all around ~ 86,400 seconds"
like the song says
I had been asking for comfort, encouragment, and wisdom from Him...
and this song came on...

I smiled and would have jumped in my car if I could have
while I longed to be free of the hurt...I felt it yesterday...
and now I can finally return to my regularly scheduled blogging after today...
it may be a few days...but I want to share something next week...
something I have a love affair with...
I've just got a busy weekend ahead with work

my favorite part about the song is that it re-emphasizes that it is never too late...
never too late to say I love you...
never too late to live your life everyday like you were dying
never too late to let go so you can be free from a hurt
never too late to have fun and enjoy

"you never know a good thing until it's gone", right?

for my friends/family and parents that would say..."why didn't you tell me?"
I just couldn't...I had to get through this in my way
and I didn't want to talk in anger to anyone else about this
I wanted to talk in praise when I made it through
you see the final step to this process is me writing about it because I have found this blog to become therapeutic in a way too...
thanks for the love everyone...
my hopes are is that you turn up that song by Kris Allen and dance away to the love of life

by the way...these are my winnings I received on Monday from this beautiful prairie girl's blog...it made my day...

18 comments:

Amanda Bruss said...

Martha, you inspire me in more ways than I think I realize!!! You put things in such a perspective!!! Thank You...

paige said...

sweetest martha
i am so sorry you had to deal with that situation
i'm sure your heart was just broken

you have much wisdom though girlie
& i pray you continue to heal & just move on

blessings to you today
xo

Short Southern Momma said...

So sorry you had to be a part of that girl! sounds like a bad situation all the way around. Way to go on rising above it all!! Hope your feeling better and having a great day! xoxo

Laurie said...

I agree with you about the way blogging can be like therapy. Just sharing with others- realizing we've all "been there" and are here now to support each other- that's what I love about it. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. No matter our age, words HURT. Now I'm off to listen to the song. :)

Tish said...

even if this friend apologized and promised not to ever mention such things again, i think i'd still ease off on that relationship. friendships take work at times, but they should never take tears of pain

shame on that friend...seriously

Shannon said...

That is horrible, especially since it was someone that you trusted. I'm sorry to hear your week started out so bad and hope everything gets back on track!
Congratulations on your gifts you won, I'm sure you will find great stuff at the BarnHouse :)

blondiensc said...

oh sweet Martha, this makes me sad and it didn't even happen to me. I think you need to let it go but be careful what you tell this friend, perhaps your secrets and pain should not be shared with her anymore...just some advice, as friendships are sacred and should not be tread upon lightly...I hope you have a wonderful weekend and use your giftcard to BH wisely! :)

Mrs. Dunbar said...

OH my goodness. What a horrible situation. For all three of you, but you especially, because you didn't CHOOSE to take part in it. Wowzers. I am so sorry. It's such a cliche to say that you will "learn and grow from this" but it's true. Again, so sorry dear friend that this happened to you. That you were in pain and hurt, I'd hugs you if I could. So here are my "virtual hugs." SQUEEZE.

Kristin said...

oh you darling, sweet, sweet girl...i am so sorry...sigh...it is awful how such mean spiritedness can affect a person, sometimes i just wonder about people...please know that i am sending blessings your way...

Jacki said...

What a painful thing to have happen to you. To be betrayed by someone with sacred information about yourself is so hurtful. You've sure done the work though to work through it. I will hope for you this person might fess up to you to bring complete forgiveness for all.

Andrea - Faded Plains said...

I'm so sorry to hear what happened...but so happy to see you've overcome it...with His help.

Angela Harris said...

Oh man, That makes me so bummed that anyone would talk about the sweetest girl ever behind her back. This happens to just about everyone sometime in their life. I'm so glad you have the love of your husband and God and Mom to feel secure with who you are, because you are fantastic~! Hope you feel better about this soon!

Beki - TheRustedChain said...

Oh Martha, I am so so sorry. Mean people stink.

God bless you as you heal from the hurt! It is not easy.

koralee said...

Oh Martha...I feel so bad for you..your song is uplifting my friend...so glad you are focusing on His love for us. Trust is so so important to a relationship..once that is broken it is very hard to overcome. Sending you my love and hugs for healing.xoxoxo

Suzann said...

I'm so sorry that you have been hurt in this way.

Mean people suck.

I am adding you to my prayers - I will pray for healing and peace that surpasses all understanding.

Lissa said...

that stinks! I've been through some very similar situations. I'm glad you're feeling better and knew who to run to with your hurt!

sweetwyo said...

Wow what an awful an unexpected hurt ... I feel bad for you and am so happy you found a way to deal with it positively! It is something for us all to think about when we get to talking about people ... would we say it if they could hear us ...
Hugs to you!

Chez Zizi said...

I am very sad that you had to deal with something like that. It is very hurtful when something like that happens. I am glad you made it through and each day will pass and you will feel better.
Much love,
Zizette