November 11, 2009

Still on My Mind...

It's late tonight...I was a little bit restless today and some tonight...so I thought I would just write...


Today was one of those days...where I was unexpectedly tested...had those feelings of hurt...and that pain sneak up on me...{briefly mentioned here}..and tried to take a bite! Nope...I told myself...I'm not going to let it happen...because I am making a decision to recognize it...pray about it...and let it go.

I refuse to go there...because there is nothing productive about it...
With the mention of someone's name today by hubby....my chest began to constrict...and tighten...
"ick" I felt and said to myself. My chest tightened all over again just as the day I found out about it. I felt that hurt again.

I am surprised it bothered me so today...because I haven't felt that way in a long time...I had been doing so well with it.

But today was different...I thought I had let it go...but today I discovered I needed Him to help me through...I must have some hurt still buried there.

With other people's actions that tried to separate hubby and I...I learned it never had anything to do with us...they are not a part of our path...our dreams...our day-to-day walk in life...they never were...so why did it bother me? I cannot answer that...but what I can say was that He was there to help me through today...guiding me to find comfort in Him...{and no one else}...to grow today even when I felt it was a step backward...I see now at the end of the night that it was really me taking a step forward.

Before today for awhile now I thought I had let go...forgiven...and started to genuinely care about that person and their family again like I used to...so I was shocked that it bothered me. I don't want those feelings of hurt...I want my "normal" me...caring and kindness. Through this past year I discovered my "normal" changes as I adjust to life and situations. I can still be that caring and kind person but one that also stands up for myself...
one that doesn't hold in when I shouldn't...
but restrains when I should...
one that believes in myself always...still working on that always...I am sure I will always be working on that.

I have had many conversations with hubby about this person not even thinking of that situation...talking with hubby how that person's family is {because if I like it or not...they are in hubby's life right now and there is no changing it}.

But No matter what that person has done...I don't want to feel that feeling...carry those thoughts...have it bombard my day...my life. No one can harm us unless we let them.

I was caught off guard today by myself with hurt...not anger...but just hurt. However...today I dealt with that hurt the best I have yet to date...and I am so thankful for the strength He gave me today...because I did what I said I wanted to do...I recognized it...prayed about it...and I can now say right now I have let it go.

I do know that I have a husband I love and he loves me...I can trust him with all of my heart and have so much faith in him...he has never given me any reason not to. I just have to remember that...it was never him...but someone else's actions and words...he is faithful in every sense of the word.

Bobby and I know that we walk hand in hand together...with similar dreams on the same path...walking it together...that is something we have always known without question. I am thankful for him in my life every day...whether it is seeing him or hearing his voice when he is out of town...I am thankful for his support in my life {well except when he thinks I am a little nutty...HA!...and little may be an understatement to him}

This post is not ever something I would normally do...ever! It "normally" would just be sharing too much for me...way too much. {But} I do know for certain that it would have helped me through...if others may have shared with me...so I'm just doing it...

I am a true believer that God puts tools in your path for you to use...to develop yourself...so you can use your gifts...and to grow. I know I must have started this blog so I can learn to open up...not keep everything in.

I feel like I'm now doing that.  4 months ago...I don't think I could have written this...but I'm not looking back now...this is my tool to share my heart, all of my loves and experiences...and to write to let go...It's a continual work in progress ~ like me!

I do know that I can always find strength and comfort in God and my faith...I have to remember to entrust Him with every situation...He is the only one with my plan. He has always gotten me through every single situation...the good...the bad...the wonderful...and the ugly! I'm just taking one step at a time.

I will report this morning started so splendidly {a word hubby just loves when I use...just like the word "refreshing" that I now have him saying}...sidetracked...oops!

This morning Hayley said "love you" to me...YEP! I got the first "love you" from my youngest {and oldest too}...not that it is a competition or anything:)...Bobby and I would never do that...yah right!}...but it made my whole day, week...and well morning too since I was tired...

last night I was up all night with her...but our late night was all erased when she said those words to me...loved it!

So on another wonderful and lighter note...stop by one of my fav's....Tracey  {French Larkspur}...she's having a give-a-way you don't want to miss...ooohhhh how exciting! ...it ends Sunday...

And the pictures from today...was our annual Operation Shoebox shopping day....It is one of my favorite things we do in November together...a little tradition I started since my girls were little babies {even though they didn't know what in the world we were doing at the time}. 

Let me tell you...Real fun time with Miss Hayley barely getting any sleep last night...but for her little age we kind of expect that on all shopping trips with her right now... Miss Madison this year had a great time shopping...she  understood what we were doing and why...and for whom: 2 little girls...and that we have it send it off to those 2 girls...etc.

Hayley just thought she was being spoiled...and geez she was surprised when everything was packed up when we got home and not for her...complete meltdown!

Blessings and love to you all!

6 comments:

Laurie said...

I think we can only grow when we talk/write about our lives and what's affecting us- and how we're learning more about ourselves every day. AND how we need Him to see us through the difficult times. I appreciate you sharing, Martha. And on a side note, we did our shoebox shopping tonight and had SO much fun! It's a tradition I look forward to every year too! :) See you Friday!

Tish said...

i love how open and honest you are lady. :)
it's so crazy...haven't seen you in YEARS but feel like you've read my journal or something and are copying my thoughts down word for word. Our situations may be different but when push comes to shove we're all battling the same things.

forgiveness doesn't mean we forget. i'm just happy to hear you're still the strong awesome chick i knew back in the day. :) you're dreams will keep coming true...all of them! you're just that kinda gal.

blondiensc said...

Uh oh, you are a girl after my own heart....this was a lovely post Martha. I am the same way, I need to write to express myself, I need to let it out or it will drag me down. I can relate to your feelings of just hearing "that one persons" name, I feel the same about someone...I feel sick to my stomach if I see them, and I want to run if I hear their name...I like you thought I was over it, but I know deep down, I will probably never completely forget or forgive, which makes me sad...but I know myself all too well. I am glad that you decided to not let this affect your whole day, and that you saw it coming and knew how to handle your pain. I am also glad you wrote about it, this shows growth and self commitment to who you are! xoxo

Lissa said...

a very heartfelt post. I completely understand. completely... Yes! God makes all things new! ALL THINGS right! Thanks for your post today.

Farmgirl Paints said...

Good for you letting it spill out in written form. Putting it out there can help heal the hurt. So sorry you were struggling today, but leaning on the Lord and giving it to Him will speed up the process of forgiveness.

Linda @ My Trendy Tykes said...

Thanks for being OPEN and HONEST! I love that.
Pray Pray and Pray some more.
It will get easier....
(hugs)