intangibles

I probably have lost most of you by now...

Last night I actually did a quick blog visit looking for something on my blog

I wanted to find

and then I also found a post that i did 2 years ago this month of a video

when my youngest was 1 1/2

and I cried

that age is so sweet and I just miss it

even though I love the ages both of my girls are at right now too

it was just a reminder of how time just flies by

often before you want it to

I really miss posting on my blog

yes, I've said this before

but I really realized it more than ever last night

I miss reading my friend's blogs

I miss the connections I made with all of you

I miss many of things

but I just had to take a break from writing

sharing

posting

I just needed to live life for my family

some things are hard to say...

this past year has been wonderful for so many of things

but it also has been an extremely difficult year for my family too

that's hard to say

not just my immediate family

but also in my extended family

 and if I would have written

it would have been painful for me

that's why I stepped away

and of course because lack of time as well

I've really been off the wall busy with my family, kiddos, my business, etc.

I just couldn't make my blog a priority

 I chose to focus on other things

and I am happy with that decision

I wanted to look at my life and still appreciate the wonderful blessings

that I have no matter what

because I have so many blessings

that I'm just so thankful for

anyway,

I want to get back on track with sharing...

so as most of you know

Christmas is in my top 3 holidays of the year

the giving and celebrating family/friends is my favorite part of the year

and it also means that I have guaranteed time that my hubby is in town too:)

we have already had some wonderful christmas celebrations

a couple of weekends ago with my in-laws

this past weekend was Christmas with our friends

and i made pumpkin candied cranberry tarts

yes, I made tarts for the very first time
I loved it!

and I'm still pretty darn excited about it
although, it took me forever

I may just be going through a tart phase now
they are just so cute and pretty

obviously, I'm sidetracked with my tarts now

which I do plan on sharing the recipe because I loved it

both of the celebrations were wonderful

Christmas is one of my favorite holidays

it has been that way since I was a child

my sister and I always, always loved it

Miracle on 34th Street

and we would watch it almost on a daily basis

{almost}

yes, I've talked about that movie a lot on this blog in the past

my sis and i would watch it so much when we were younger

that I think my parents had to buy us 2 vhs tapes:)

we would literally wear this movie out:)

yes, "I believe"

and that only makes sense if you have watched the movie

So...

as I was going through my blog last night
I was reminded of my favorite quote in my very favorite Christmas movie

Miracle on 34th Street

I thought I would share it once again

 I took some Christmas photos of the girls yesterday afternoon

it was a blast

we had lots of fun

smiles

silly faces

dance moves to celebrate at the end of our little session

we all celebrated
the girls were great

actually fabulous

and wonderful

{that's because they were bribed with freezy ice pops}

we don't know how to get through a photo session without bribing in our family

just so you know...I am not above bribing to get photos :)

i almost put this picture on my virtual christmas card just to be reminded of all the silly things the girls and I do together

hopefully you will love this quote as much as I do

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

"Someday you are going to find that your way of facing this realistic world just doesn't work, and when you do, don't overlook those lovely intangibles. You'll discover those are the only things that are worthwhile."

and I found that quote true so much of this past year
hold on to those intangibles

Thank you everyone for your patience

and thank you to my fabulous friends that over the past couple of months kept asking me when I was coming back with my blog

it was just nice to hear your sweet words to me

it didn't go unnoticed

Happy Holidays!!!

"Whatever is good,

whatever brings you joy...

May it be yours during

this magical season and the

throughout the coming year."



realizations

I've been tossing and turning on this topic for quite some time now

really tossing and turning

because I don't usually "go there" on certain issues

we all have some things that are just too personal to share

{most of the time}

granted...I feel like I get real sometimes, right?

I probably haven't in awhile

I finally feel "as if"

I'm supposed to share this whether I like it or not

for it's not always up to me

{as much as it's my comfort zone when it is up to me}

I think I have finally processed how to share a few thoughts jumbled in my mind

and I cannot seem to rid of them during my runs

like I typically can

a wonderful person in my upline shared this video with me

that pretty much

tied me in knots

twisted my thinking up
held me there

then untied and unraveled me

rearranged my thoughts

and finally did a sort of
"put me back together" again

 the video applied so much to my life right now

it is very hard to admit that

 my hopes of

"going there" with you in this post

is not out of lecture or "I know all" place

it's because

just maybe

what if someone else needs to hear it too

to be honest

I've fought with myself on this post
I didn't want to share this or write about it

I feel right now is a very happy and confident time for me personally

with my business...friendships

just a happy place

at the same time

I have a few things that are weighing on my shoulders

that I wish it wasn't so

but that's life, you know

I guess my point is that

other than a few things
I'm doing great

but I am dealing with some lows
that are bringing me down
  a few things that are just preventing me from really

"blooming"

what works for me

always has been either writing or talking it out

and since I'm writing it out

that is what you'll are stuck with

and to think I had such fun and vibrant pictures of valentine cookies to share

from a wonderful, wonderful girls night

geez...
sorry for perhaps bringing the mood down

heck I've probably hyped this up to be more
but first is first
my inspiration words for this year
talked about here

love and embrace

three days after those words were pressed upon my heart
my Grandpa ended up in the hospital for emergency surgery
and then a couple of weeks of living at the hospital
for him
but also all of our family too

then he was back to surgery while I was gone at my conference
and a month and a few days later
things are really "still tough"

you see
I've always had a very strong relationship with my Grandpa
he was the most important male figure in my life besides my dad growing up
he ended up living down the street
and if I didn't seem him 6 days a week
it was at least 4-5

to me...
he is the heart and soul of our family
and over the past several years
Alzheimers has set in
and since this last surgery
it's hit or miss whether he remembers the girls and I when we visit

so the video I watched really struck a few cords with me

I always assumed he would be "grandpa" like he always was to me
I was thinking

"what if this...."
"what if that..."

that is not a good place to be at

and from watching video by Craig I learned

that fear is placing your faith in the "what ifs"

scary sort of thing
as these past 8+ months I've also had some health issues that I cannot get figured out
and it prevents me from increasing my running mileage because it gets really, really aggravated
when I try to do more

that may seem so trivial
 whether I run or not
or can go past so and so amount of miles

but running is my "thing"
and without my "thing"

I'm not sane
{chuckle}

I'm not going into details about my health issues
as I haven't really shared with anyone but my parents
and a few other friends/family members have found out "some" in conversation

so with some of the stressors I have right now

I've been living in the "what ifs"
with a few things in life

"what if this...."

"what if that?"

"what if my health issues are going to affect or are related to my reproductive/fertility issues
I've had in the past"

and

"I'm the same age about as my mom when she lost her ability to have more
what if it is my time too"

for awhile I just didn't know but recently found out that it has nothing to do with my past fertility issues

and back to

"what if this or that happens with Grandpa?"
or
"what if Grandpa sees me as
 a young girl visiting him"
 that he may not recognize again

 I feel it is one of the best times of my life right now
funny how that is

so I'm trying only to think of the good
because there is quite a bit of good

but the honest truth
it makes me feel guilty sometimes
that things are really good
like I don't deserve it to be that way

how twisted is that?

then I feel guilty about the tough things going on
and not addressing them

I see right in front of me all that is good
and I feel it is hard to complain 
 because my health issues are not life-threatening
and my Grandpa is still here with us
doing his best

but when I watched the video
{a sermon by Craig Groeschel from Life Church}
and he said

"fear is placing your faith in the what ifs"

I felt as though a

"told ya so"

was happening

because that is what I have been doing
ugh...

but in the video Craig also said

"what you fear is also what you value the most"

umm...hello

that names the stressors I do have in my life right now
every.single.one.of.them.is.what.I.value.the.most

the thing is
when all that happened with my Grandpa

I was very upset about my inspiration words for 2011
as in my original post I talked about them kind of scaring me this year

and then I was upset
because I didn't want those words to be true
I didn't want to embrace that my Grandpa may never be the same
I knew I needed to love on him
that was the easy part
but there was no way I was going to embrace it...

or accept it...
or "whatever" it

but you know what?

 I have to

I have to start acknowledging this
and begin moving forward

that is what I'm called to do

believe me...I don't talk about my faith and my relationship with God on this blog
because I never want to sound like I'm preaching or "I know it all"

but I want you to know
this is all coming from a "place of good intentions" from me

 me sharing this
is because
I cannot get it out of my mind
and because
"what if sharing this video helps someone else"
that would be worth going "there" to me

the part where I felt twisted up and knotted from the video
is realizing that when he said

"what you fear is where you trust God the least"

I'll say it again
because I had to watch it again personally

"what you fear is where you trust God the least"

 that put me in my place
very, very quickly

because I wasn't trusting God with my Grandpa
I wanted him better
right now

I also wasn't trusting God with other things like whatever is going on with my health issues
funny what has helped the most with them
is things I can get from my business 
it was.right.in.front.of.my.face

 all of those issues have been weighing me down at a very, very good time in my life

I couldn't be more thankful for my family, business successes,
wonderful, wonderful friendships
ones that build you up
make you laugh
but also let "you be you"
ones that also "call you out" nicely when needs be
and then love on you all over again

I've finally found those friends again

 back in October of last year I shared with a close friend of mine some personal stressors
during a conversation
and she said to me

"Martha...what is the worst that can happen?
"this..._______"

she then said
"you can't carry that by yourself"

and she continued to fill in the blank for me
and I said you know what....

"you are right"

Just as Craig said in his sermon

"Even if my worst 'what if' comes to be…there is nothing man can do to hurt me if I’m ultimately trusting God with my whole life"

and you know what...
these past several weeks

I've been upset about my Grandpa
but I've also been going there very happy to see him
 even if he doesn't remember every single time
I'm just so happy to see him

and when I just gave my health issues to Him
I've realized I'm beginning to heal

I'm excited to say this is the first week that whatever is going on with my health
is starting to get somewhat better
and I have to know it will continue to do so


for when it continues to get better
this week
the week after

I can start increasing my mileage again

because I've been stuck physically

but mentally I've been ready to go further for quite some time

so I'm ready to make a better effort of putting my fears

away..and moving forward

one foot in front of the other

I know this may be out of left field me talking about my faith

because I just usually don't

 but I felt I should share this

my hope is that

whatever you fear...that you trust in Him

because it is what you value the most

but also what you are not trusting Him with

my inspiration words this year

love and embrace

 have taken a new meaning these past two weeks

when I was given those words

I thought

"that is what I should be offering to everyone else"

you know...

the thought of 

"how I should be taking care of everyone else around me"

never did I consider

"myself"

and this week He placed on my heart

that

loving and embracing

are not meant just for others

but for me as well

and that is not selfish

to put "you" first sometimes

too often I have put Me on the sidelines

{every woman/mother can probably agree}

but this year

I know I'm being told

"you are off the sidelines"

I'm very thankful for this video being sent to me

as sometimes

friends know just the thing to share with you

much love to you all

and thank you for staying with me on this very long writing

I hope it has helped someone else

xo

"I sought the Lord

He delivered me from all my fears"

Psalm 34:4

btw....the pictures are my Valentine cookies I brought to my girls night

it was a very fun night

too bad I was writing about "fear" with these pictures

to see the video click {here}

{love} and {embrace}

i've been thinking...

and asking myself...

thinking some more...

and then asking myself again...

then putting it aside
frustrated

and then I finally realized to quit asking myself
and just stinkin' talk to you know who about it...
Him
{duh}

because I always learn that the third or fourth time after I've asked myself
realizing that I have gotten nowhere asking myself
{a little late to the start sometimes I am}

so what came about it?

guess I should tell you about what first, right?
I don't do resolutions

okay so I did one time {2009}...because it was really needed
an "about time" kind of one
and that was about dresses

want to know more about that?...
then you may read "this is me" back in February of 2010
but other than that
I don't do resolutions
it's too much
and frankly prefer to have some inspiration words to always refer to instead
you know those constant reminders
in the back of your head

that's what works for me

so the conclusion this year

 two words

and they are:

"loving and embracing"

I'll be honest here...

the embracing one freaks me out a little bit

okay, actually a lot

but I'm taking it in the positive 100%

I looked "embrace" up for a little peace at heart and understanding

 embrace goes quite well with loving in its obvious definition of embracing {hugging} someone

but it also includes

"accepting opportunities and challenges eagerly and willingly"

 that made me smile

a big ole' smile

because I am going to embrace my opportunities and challenges

with a renewed spirit and with love

and know that those I didn't achieve last year

are absolutely achievable this year

and isn't this funny...

as I glanced up from writing right now 

I saw on my dream board

my all-time favorite quote

I mean favorite, favorite

 favorite quotes...

You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in a spirit of love. --- H. Drummond

so as I've found what my inspiration words were this year

I remembered the ones last year

they were

{faith}

{hope}

{belief}

the funny thing is...

I could use those same words again this year

I really could
you don't always need to re-invent the wheel, right?

but instead of tossing those three aside

I will use them again
but add to...kind of thing
 a little modification to that wheel

 my focus with it all is

loving

embracing

when I wrote

"the road underneath me"

last year

I had many hopes and dreams for my family

and for myself

although some hopes, goals, and dreams I didn't achieve

I know I still will
for my journey is not the same journey as anyone else

I am not one that gives up easily
if you didn't know that already
but I'm sure most of you do by now
{chuckle}

either because I'm determined or stubborn
most likely both
okay...definitely both

but stubborn can be good too, right?
that's at least what I tell myself
at least I openly admit it
{laughing again now}

I never knew my 2010 inspiration words
{hope, faith, believe}
would be so meaningful for myself and our family's life last year

as I wrote in "sweet serendipity"

a week or so ago

we had a really great year with a lot of great memories in 2010
and that is what I choose to remember
hands down

but in reality 2010 was quite difficult for us too

I didn't realize when I wrote down those three words on January 2nd of last year
that strength would carry me through some really tough times

my words were very relevant last year

so that horse with the head down I referred to last year 
in "the road underneath me"

was how I felt sometimes throughout the year

but

what I didn't realize then but I do now
is that same horse eventually
raised it's head high
with grace and confidence

and looked up to see all the love
and all the wonderful things to embrace before her eyes

and that's what I am going to continue to do this year
because that is not only what I did at the finish of 2010
but also many times throughout the year

we had so much fun with family and friends...

we saw our two little babies blossom and make us laugh some more
a friend got married
we did some quite embarrassing things
but fun things
we laughed a lot
we sure did

we traveled
for my business conference
we went on a free trip with my husband's work
we strengthened friendships throughout the year
and had some lake trips with family and friends

we spent a lot of quality time not just quantity of time with everyone

I got my noise pierced
thank.you.very.much

I am still wearing more dresses
I took even more pictures of the girls for fun
not great at it
but I did it

we swam a lot during the summer
we did a couple more date nights than usual
thanks to my parents for watching the girls
although I'm sure they had fun too

my sister came to visit with my nephews during the summer
and we practically lived at my parents house that week

we came out loving, having a lot of fun, and standing tall
{I know I've forgotten a lot of great things so please don't be offended if I didn't mention something}

"the road underneath me is a constant
but the journey I take is up to me"
{words I wrote last year}

and this year
I'm going to do what I do best

love

and

embrace

love myself
love on my family
and love on those near and dear to me

family and friends
 those in my business
and everyone in between

I'm going to embrace
every.single.situation
whether it is the time of my life
or
a circumstance that just plain stinks
and even though the "plain stink" ones take a little more effort/time to embrace,
I will and eventually carry on
{not saying immediately because I do have a learning curve of honesty here}

the finish line in 2011
is another journey
that my family and I are taking together
five strong
{yes counting Miss Cadence...absolutely not pregnant...nope}
 we do include our pups as family members
even when she gets her "tude" in the "attitude" and decides to tinkle in the house
{ugh}
to make some sort of point
that she never seems to make

okay that's a little tmi and off-base
Happy New Year to you and your families
xo

yes and no pictures this time around
I've had a sick little girl today

simplicity

this year as I look around my home

during Christmas season

{which is usually a big deal for me}

I see right in front of me
that it still looks like our home

there is no clutter

 those that know me well

know I completely *freak* in clutter

so I never have clutter

because my brain is unable to function "normally"

{I'm chuckling as I say "normally" by the way}

 that may be debatable to some

but with it now being Christmas season

I really have no "Christmas decor" clutter this year

it's a breath of fresh air feeling simple this year

some of our furniture this year had to be moved around the house

in order to fit our tree

and I love that one of our big shelves is now upstairs in our mini loft area

I like it much better

because it doesn't look so uniform in our living area now

it probably will stay that way after Christmas

{really excited about that}

but I'm happy

that as I look around my home

it's minimal

since I was really, really selective with what I set out

there is no clutter

it looks and feels more like us more than ever before

I still have to rearrange some of the decorations

as they are just sitting in our laundry room

waiting to be placed

but when I finally get around to doing that

it'll be simple

and easy

 no pressure for perfection

this Christmas season

I'm doing more important things this year
like

 making hot cocoa for this little one

with rainbow marshmallows

rather than stressing too much about decorations

she's loving the fact that

this is in one of my coffee glasses btw

the new song I've added

"Winter Song"

just sounds pretty

so don't read too much into the wording with this post

lol

xo

bittersweet...

our garage is completely full and packed...

oh yes it is...

but I don't really feel happy about it right now

"that's okay" I'm telling myself

this weekend we moved my Grandpa from independent living to assisted living...

it was just time

but really difficult for us

he is in the same building just on the "other" side

we are so thankful it is a great place with no worries about his care

but I had a lot of deep breaths and gulps over the weekend...

he had us take a lot of his things

and I couldn't be happier because they are from both my Grandma and Grandpa...and to be honest...they were ironically all the things I was in search of for our home

I love that they are his but not loving the fact how quickly I feel like this has happened...

and the reason why we have his things is really hard...

change is very hard for me when it comes to these issues

I saw my Grandpa almost everyday growing up ~ he lived down the street from us

but then we went through a time where we didn't see him for several years because of someone who didn't like us that became a part of his

Our family finally got him back 3 years ago,
 and we all have been treasuring our time with him again.

I have to remind myself that it is better for him...more interaction and more involved care for him at his new place...exactly what my Grandpa needs

but it is just hard for me and on the 16th he goes in about a consultation about the skin cancer on his back...

I don't have it together with him because his memory is starting to fade but in reality he really is doing pretty well
his sense of humor is grand with it all

It's us {family} who are not doing well with this change...
well he was a bit confused about his change when we saw him a couple times this weekend
but he is doing so well seriously at almost 91...

my garage is full of his wonderful things
it just doesn't seem right though...

and you know what is coming to mind right now?
A bell just went off about this post written by Paige from Simple Thoughts...
 "listen here, Missy!"

it's a great one if you haven't read it and she is just amazing...

because I know that is what He is telling me right now...

it's better for him...he's okay...and well taken care of.

"Martha, put on your big girl pants and enjoy every visit you have with him in his new home" is what I should be saying and He will take care of the rest.

{hyacinths courtesy of my parents}